Holy Shit...South Beach is Crazy!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k1IMCP4FwjY
 this is a little long you do not need to watch all of it but it will give you an idea of what I saw. minus the shoes!


First of all I should have done a dry run to Miami South Beach prior to the actual night I needed to go...nobody freakn warned me it would be so...uuhhhmm...what do I say...I honestly have no words to describe it...and this is coming from someone who has been to Mardi Gras.  I found the words there they are...disorganized chaos...if something was going to get out of control in this melting pot of sbeach it would only take a matter of minutes,,,nay...seconds for shit to hit the fan (sorry for the cliches) but it truly left me at a loss for words.

My plan for the evening was to go and see Chelsea Lately/Handler  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f_qXRb9JiG4 live at the Fillmore in South Beach Florida.  Kitty Kat (wink wink) she is funny...the round table comedians she has on are funny...her show is the perfect wrap to a day.  I was going by myself..which happens when you are flying solo.  I felt a little weird going to the city by myself and the show too...but oh well sometimes you have to say "WTF!"  How often will I be here and able to attend concerts that are in such easy proximity?   Not very often!  I left the house at 7ish thinking I would have ample time to get there, parked, have a snack and make the show...ha ha ha!  I made a jug of juice..well a large nalgene of Bombay, tonic and limes along with a bottle of water, scratched the doggies, let out the cats and locked the door behind me.  It is an easy 50 minutes to Miami from here so I was in no hurry.  At first traffic was great.  All 6 lanes sailing south!  The closer to Miami I got and the more congested and intense...intense because Floridians...the mass majority do not enjoy pleasuring other drivers by indicating and on top of that all the sporty cars dashing in and out like thread through a needle.  Needless to say I quit sipping the Bombay and paid very close attention to the GPS!  By the time I arrived in Miami it was dark...very very dark and made driving just that much more of a challenge.

The first thing I saw to know this was no ordinary city...was over 100 people on bicycles stopping traffic for four blocks and preventing cars from going...which was alright by me...It was kind of like coming upon a very long train at a railroad crossing in the middle of nowhere...so you roll down your window and drink in the sounds...which I did since it was 79 and humid!  Some of the people on the bikes were great and very funny...one gal yelled at a smashed up white convertible " hey if you got off your phone and paid better attention maybe your car would not look like a pile of shit".  A first for me this bicycle road block...usually it is trains that are slowing me up as mentioned in an earlier blog.  Made a wrong turn after this but Marg got me right back on track.  Made it to 1700 Washington and did not even know it...did not see the venue, marquee...did not see shit!  Very confusing!  As I am going through the intersection I look back and there it is 'Chelsea Chelsea Bang Bang!'   Whew!  Now find a spot to park!

Let the Chaos begin!!!  Here I am, in my little car that has already been to the Beauty Parlor twice driving South on Washington...one of the main South Beach n/s arteries.  Narrow street with a boulevard (the green space in the center?) and thousands of pedestrians, taxis, limos, Jags, Porsche etc...you get the picture!  There is- on street parking but it does not look really safe or really cost effective.  I figured I would be at the show at least until Midnight and could not feed the meter...anyway on and on I drove...south south almost to the keys...or so it felt.  In a quick glance saw a sign for parking with an arrow heading East..uuhh quite frankly at this juncture I did not know which way was which just that I needed to find parking and escape this craziness!  This driving experience is only second to having to back down Teton Pass in a shitty rear wheel drive Aerostar van with my good friend Wendy helping me back it up as we are staring a snowplow in the plow!  I digress....made a u-turn and went back the way I had been so many blocks before.  Almost to the Fillmore when I turn right and get on Collins (A1A) and head south again and begin my search for the secret parking zone...pause...
I have already written so much and do not even know if anyone cares or is still reading but just so you know if you are since I am alone and any discussion I have is purely with myself..musings if you will...you already knew that but perhaps my second self had shown up...nope...

I muse...there is no way they are going to waste prime beach front on a parking garage...I am proven wrong!  There it is the White P in a square of blue..
and what do i do...fly on by because all of the nonsense going on around me is a huge distraction...thank god i did not drink anymore Bombay.  The pedestrians seem to own the street here.  At least in New Orleans they shut down the streets and have a pedestrian Mall.  Not SB.  How could everyone show off their high ticket cars and women...which I will get to later.  I freakn park in some underground crazy house where if I block someone in I have to give the attendant my key...well...I made it work so i did not have to do that!  Locked up and grabbed the Bombay and limes and started my 12 block stroll to Chelsea!  Still early enough to get a decent spot in line but not early enough to eat...and as we all know booze on an emptyish tummy...(I doubt mine is ever really empty since I am not a fan of fasting because of my gma...etc digress blah blah blah ) ...empty enough for the Gin to hit and wow...now I am wondering what to do with the nalgene...should not have worried about it...they do not check for shit at the fillmore other than your ticket.  I was not keen to that info so I secretly stashed where
a) it could be jacked or worse
b) peed upon by some random penis.  (neither happened and it has been bathed in the dishwasher and is safe and sound and ready for a trip to Jupiter...I know...you were curious).

These are some Sexy shoes!  Ooohhhlala!!

Now for musings...why do women wear shoes with 4+ inch heels and they look like they are constantly falling forward...like chickens strutting...practice that shit at home or don't freakn wear them...you look like an idiot...you do not look sexy or alluring...unless maybe you are standing still..its like the cutie patootie you run into and then they open their mouth...and I would say 90% of the women were sporting this look and only maybe 40% were successful.


No I am not jealous...I was quite comfortable in my sensible sandals.  I am not Stacey or Clinton....but come on.  Word of advice if you are going strap that shit on...and there were some great shoes...practice so you do not look like  a little girl trying to play dress up! Maybe they should watch this link http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AnkxqXdPdSE&feature=fvw
My hat is off to Becky Thomas...one of the few women I know who walks on air in 4inch heels...you go Kitty Kat! Also there were quite a few nice pedicures and no I do not have a foot fetish.  Our feet are useful tools that really take us places especially if our brains are engaged and having enjoyed a few pedicures I can appreciate I nice looking foot.


At this point I want a slice of mushroom pizza...(wink wink nudge nudge), not the food either..I do not believe special shroom za has any real rda value.  I have done them a few times in crowded areas and ended up alone because for whatever reasons my fellow pizza munchers were pulled apart by the tides of people in Butte America...but at this point the conversations with myself would have improved with a slice of shroomy za or why was I not thinking and have a nibble if brownie...just the crumbs as Chantannell would say.

People watching in SB was amazing...and is amazing  A real Hot Mess!  I bet right now as I am writing this there is something going on.  Now another question or something I noted...why do men get to get away with wearing jeans and tshirts and the women are all dressed up like hookers?  I swear to you the vast majority of women I saw looked like the hookers from Pretty Woman http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2MqPcOPlgRw  or Night  Shift -http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1N6rzfoWHzg&feature=related.  Only with less fur and shorter skirts.  Again I am not jealous...yes, I would like to have a hot body that someone could paint clothes on but at the end of the day really are these outfits really all that?  Maybe in Amsterdam. When did women of the night and women on dates start looking the same...I could not tell one from the other.  What do hookers wear now if that is the status quo? I answered my own question-
 Do the women dress for the men or other women...I am so confused!  I know I have been in Montana but I thought I was fairly well traveled.  Why did I not see any men sporting this hot look???

Now this musing...the people that push their way to the front of the line that show up late...don't we just love them...especially to the bar...Mr. Baldy Brickshithouse 5'9 decides that it is acceptable practice to do this.  And then the asshole does not even tip!  Wish I could have a mini tazer for those moments in time...not enough to hurt them..or even better Turrets! Unbridled free speaking Turrets!  Nothing to laugh at but gawd I would have loved to have said something!

After this we take our seats and the show begins...and quite frankly it was just ok.  Chelsea had a little wee bit of Belvedere and Miami South Beach I am thinking...she was still funny and there were good moments.  I had already finished the book and did not want it to be a book reading and it sort of was.  Oh well that is why it is the Chelsea Chelsea Bang Bang tour.  And her white outfit on the cover almost mimics the Baroness Bomburst's from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang!http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wa66d2ctAH8

The Lesbians in front of me were a riot making out, laughing, standing up and asking to see Chelsea's tickets..OOC!  Another girl in front of me had on a tight flesh toned dress- it was not only awful she could not sit down without things hanging out...wow...maybe that is why it was flesh tone????  Planned and clever?!!

Well aside from one hour of traffic just to get out of the City...it was an interesting trip.  I made it home by 2:45am!   Reminded me a bit of St Pats and Butte America on  Godzillaroids!  All the random craziness.  I will return to South Beach by the light of day and let night time unfold slowly and see if it is any different.  I hope this was worth your time..it was worth it to get it out of me.

So it may be the end

There does not seem to be much interest or really a need to continue this t.r.i.p. since we have reached our destination and Chantannell has been gone for a little over a week now.  As I type on this here Onezie Funzie Day with Hazelnut resting comfortably in my arms I would like to perhaps reflect upon what we saw..what we liked..did we ever fight?

No need to go to Corpus Chrispy...Christi...did not like it, did not like our Hotel...really did not like anything about it...the best part was sunset on the water...that was because it was already dusky and we could not see a whole lot...so friends unless you know of some little secret place and pristine beach that we somehow missed..please let us know.  They drive on the beaches there...what the?  They drive on the beaches that is if they do not get high centered...like I did the genius driver from Montana who has driven in a multitude of conditions...advice...1) ride the high spot...I did not because I thought it would break down...2) go with a little gusto...I did not cuz I want to pamper my girl...3) do not back up in sand...it will rip under protection off...4)  in the sand your flip flop works as a shovel...5) do not leave home without a zip tie... I had one in my purse and was able to zip up the under carriage protector!!  My dear Niece asked quite innocently "if I had a shovel"..."huh" says I... "hell no I am not in Montana anymore!!!  I do not even have my jumper cables."  We had a good laugh and some people were kind enough to help dig us out and push us forward..oh yeah...go forward if you... can a much better option!!  Then we drove for miles on the beach, imagining bodies sprawled on the sand that we would have to dodge in the 'on' season.  Mostly Blizzard Chickens walking and fishing.  And dead fish washed up from high tide...not a very lovely place, as one would imagine the Beach to be!

Some of you may remember my last trip to Florida and my adventures with a stopped train.  I am now convinced that I can not make a trip to Florida without that somewhere in my stars...yep its true..Marg sent us on a wrong path and we were stopped by a train that slowed to a stop for a very long time.  The only way out was the wrong way on not 1 but 2 one-way streets.  So, we sat, we thought and began to dislike Corpus Chrispy even more...the town that would not let us out.   It had a hold on us like mad!!!  Uuhhhhh screw the one ways I am from Montana and I am going for it...sturdy woman that I am...ufda says I by gosh by golly we are doin it...which is a bit brazen for someone who recently had to get unstuck from the sand!!!

The train was still sitting there when we went past it finally in the right direction and then we almost on accident took this turn..out of habit perhaps...or maybe we did take it and that is why we could not
escape!!??

Some of the Favorites of the Trip and then Sidetracked

                                   Some of Our Buddhas!!

and now for some more rambling...

Sir Pantsalot and Chantannell...singing!!

I am currently listening to Etta James and it reminds me of some of my favorite things about the trip with my beautiful and amazing Niece who continues to amaze and awe me each time we are together...singing together in the car to oldies...well the 80's...back when the 8-track still existed and we had some...yes, more than one. She told me of a story about herself and Natalie Drye and that they would throw some 8-tracks into the portable and have dance parties in the back yard in the make shift tent they had built with the clothes line.
I would like to believe that some of Chantannell's love of music has a little bit to do with me...I was always playing it wherever we would go and in whatever rig we were riding in.  Batteries made our musical life possible!  So, singing together to 'Total Eclipse of the Heart' or something by Patsy Cline (I know she was before the 80's) and remembering Dad/Grandpa/Papa Bear...we did think of him often...cried a little...he loved getting in his car and going for trips...over tin can hill or out east to see his sister or my sister.  He definitely had a stylish pair of traveling shoes and to bad they were not worn out the way I know he would have liked...I know he would have either been with us or encouraging us along the way...I hope his Beautiful Soul is at rest!!!

(Maybe he is resting here in the amazing nooks and crannies of Zion??  Perhaps... perhaps... perhaps...)

Where is Pee Wee's Bike???  In the Basement of the Alamo!!!

I was trying to remember if I had written about San Antonio?  We liked it there...did not get to spend much time because we were on the road to Chrispy!  Saw and walked around the Alamo...must admit neither one of us are History buffs and we were trying to figure it out.  I think we got it now...but please do not test us on it!!  River Walk is really cool... definitely a destination trip...like Tuscon would be.  A few nights or a week I do not think you would get bored.  I was watching the news here in Florida and Tuscon was on...they have one of the youngest Mayors and I guess he is something else...in these times he is making the city work...it is a success.  They had a 2 hour segment on it....just a little tid bit of info.

By the by...do you know why the Alamo??

A Little Ol'Gal we saw sitting along Riverwalk..just doing her thing!!!  She appeared to be very content and quite at peace.  Reminded me of the Mary Poppins song..."Feed the Birds...tuppence a bag!"

Yummy lunch stop...I hear they have a really great music fest here that is why I wanted to at least go through Kerrville, Texas

Buc-ee's will be another blog entry I am computer sit my ass weary!!! And the sun is going down and the dogs want a walk!!

By this time we were road weary...should have had the week break in Bisbee or Tuscon or San Antonio instead of Havasu City...but we did get quite a bit taken care of and if we would have done it any differently things would not have worked out like they did...needless to say...it was late when we arrived in Iowa, LA and we had a bit of a rhubarb...and do not mean pie!  We were tired, hungry and we or I decided I was going to throw one of my fits...it was a complete lack-o-communication factor.  I know it is after Valentine's
day...not that that should matter...the golden advice I can give..or Sage advice is thus...Take the time to talk..do not..I repeat...do not expect anyone to read your mind!!!  Get it? Got it? Good!!!  Simple advice I know but wow...things can unravel fast...needless to say we worked through it...perhaps still working it through our minds as to what the freak happened...I think she was standing there thinking "No Wonder!"
As we all know...do not go  to bed mad at each other and communicate and the sun will rise on a new day!  Oh some more advice...stop before you get so beat that shit stops making any sense!!!  That will come up when we talk about New Orleans.

EVERYONE IS SMILING...CUZ WE ARE OUT OF TEXAS!!

We were just happy to be out of TEXAS!!!  Holy shit that is a big freak n' state...I have seen most of it and can say I like-Austin, San Antonio and Galveston and that is about it!

On to Texas...the never ending state!!!

Left Bisbee behind and cruised through some border towns...we actually made a wrong turn and we were driving right along the border...US on one side and Mex on the other...for us Northern girls it was and experience.  Billboards in English on one side of the fence and Spanish on the billboards on the other side.  We continued East and a little North to Rodeo, New Mexico.  My friend Justin Brown said his Grandpa told him to visit Rodeo and spend some time....uuuhhh I do not know what GPa Brown saw in this town but we did not see a whole lot...Wilsal Montana has more to offer.

Here is Rodeo New Mexico!

After leaving Rodeo we came upon some crazy uncomfortable energy place...neither one of us can remember the name of the place but it reminded us of Corwin Springs area???  Not sure it was the truly Great big wide open

Does anyone want to adopt it???

We decided to stop in El Paso and looked for green chilis...instead Chanti lost her ATM card.  We went to a great Mexican rest. for dinner..I think it was Joe's Cafe??  They had live music, yummy drinks and the best Mole Sauce ever!!!  Texas, Texas, Texas...it took us four days to get out of the State.  After El Paso we went to San Antonio to see the Alamo.  Neither one us had ever been...so why not?  One of the best parts of the trip occurred the day we left El Paso...Chantannell and I singing to 80's music...Bonnie Tyler's total eclipse of the heart...why did I want that song so badly for our prom my senior year...I remember people saying they would not go to Prom if that was the song...I did not get it then.  I wondered as we sang if Chantannell knew the words because of hanging out with my friends and me at that point in her life and torturing her with our music.  It was the beginnig of MTV and the popular thing to do when I was a senior was to go to people's houses and watch MTV..it was great!  Some of the videos!!  Anyway this was a great part of the trip.

                          

the camry chockablock full!!  Can you find Diezel?

A FEW OF OUR BUDDHAS WE FOUND ALONG THE WAY!

signing out for now until I Ashtons photo card and enter it in the computer!

Day 17, January 23, 2010

AAAHHHH Bisbee!  Our day started with a basket full of delicious fresh fruit, hot coffee, juice, warm muffins and yogurt delivered to our door by Tara.  We enjoyed our nosh and then it was time to pamper and feed our mental physical well being.  I started with a wonderful massage from Tara while Chantannell sat in the oxygenator...a cabinet that you sit in on a little bench, your head sticks out and your body is encased in a fog of oxygen and steam heat!  I did not know what the oxygenator sauna treatment was until it was my turn and the majority of the time I was in there I kept giggling to myself.  My mother during one of her auction moments decided to bid on one of these gizmos...albeit it did not have any of the sauna or oxygen hook-ups.  It was ickky green and ended up in the hands of my good pal, Pete Walther.  He put it on his front porch so you could sit in it and overlook the city.  Crazy and kooky!

You Get the Picture....but my big toe feels better...the laughter or the ozone I do not know?!

We were in this thing for about 25-30 minutes.  We did get to watch the hummingbirds and the snow melt off of the cactus..it was very very good!  I finished before Chanti so I went ahead and started packing out our room.  40 minutes or so after I had finished with all of my stuff and I was standing by the car with the puppies running around and I was reading the map Tara, the massage therapist asked me if I had seen Chantannell and I replied "no". "Oh, she must still be asleep on the table."  The massages were so relaxing and so good for us...so was the Ozonator.  I hope somehow someway my mom saw me...LOL!

Tara & Chantannell

After leaving the Healing Gardens we cruised the sister city of Butte America...what a town.  Very clever on how the built the town and how they have maintined the historic integrity.  Do not come here expecting to stay in Super 8 or Comfort Inn.  This town has worked to preserve its uniqueness and has succeeded.  As we drove the narrow very European streets Chantannell wanted to open the sunroof to beable to take Ashton photos on the move...she does not know how all the buttons work and alas we had a wee bit of a snowstorm inside of the Camry....oooppppsssss!

Thank You!   I mean oh wow there is so much snow in the car..LOL!

This is one of the coolest towns I have been to.  We drove around, wished we had more time, went to Dot's Diner enjoyed an old fashioned setting, milkshake, burger, hot dog...yummy!  I always love that old time stuff.  They have an airstream park you stay the night in.  It looked very Lucille Ball Show.