Holy Shit...South Beach is Crazy!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k1IMCP4FwjY
 this is a little long you do not need to watch all of it but it will give you an idea of what I saw. minus the shoes!


First of all I should have done a dry run to Miami South Beach prior to the actual night I needed to go...nobody freakn warned me it would be so...uuhhhmm...what do I say...I honestly have no words to describe it...and this is coming from someone who has been to Mardi Gras.  I found the words there they are...disorganized chaos...if something was going to get out of control in this melting pot of sbeach it would only take a matter of minutes,,,nay...seconds for shit to hit the fan (sorry for the cliches) but it truly left me at a loss for words.

My plan for the evening was to go and see Chelsea Lately/Handler  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f_qXRb9JiG4 live at the Fillmore in South Beach Florida.  Kitty Kat (wink wink) she is funny...the round table comedians she has on are funny...her show is the perfect wrap to a day.  I was going by myself..which happens when you are flying solo.  I felt a little weird going to the city by myself and the show too...but oh well sometimes you have to say "WTF!"  How often will I be here and able to attend concerts that are in such easy proximity?   Not very often!  I left the house at 7ish thinking I would have ample time to get there, parked, have a snack and make the show...ha ha ha!  I made a jug of juice..well a large nalgene of Bombay, tonic and limes along with a bottle of water, scratched the doggies, let out the cats and locked the door behind me.  It is an easy 50 minutes to Miami from here so I was in no hurry.  At first traffic was great.  All 6 lanes sailing south!  The closer to Miami I got and the more congested and intense...intense because Floridians...the mass majority do not enjoy pleasuring other drivers by indicating and on top of that all the sporty cars dashing in and out like thread through a needle.  Needless to say I quit sipping the Bombay and paid very close attention to the GPS!  By the time I arrived in Miami it was dark...very very dark and made driving just that much more of a challenge.

The first thing I saw to know this was no ordinary city...was over 100 people on bicycles stopping traffic for four blocks and preventing cars from going...which was alright by me...It was kind of like coming upon a very long train at a railroad crossing in the middle of nowhere...so you roll down your window and drink in the sounds...which I did since it was 79 and humid!  Some of the people on the bikes were great and very funny...one gal yelled at a smashed up white convertible " hey if you got off your phone and paid better attention maybe your car would not look like a pile of shit".  A first for me this bicycle road block...usually it is trains that are slowing me up as mentioned in an earlier blog.  Made a wrong turn after this but Marg got me right back on track.  Made it to 1700 Washington and did not even know it...did not see the venue, marquee...did not see shit!  Very confusing!  As I am going through the intersection I look back and there it is 'Chelsea Chelsea Bang Bang!'   Whew!  Now find a spot to park!

Let the Chaos begin!!!  Here I am, in my little car that has already been to the Beauty Parlor twice driving South on Washington...one of the main South Beach n/s arteries.  Narrow street with a boulevard (the green space in the center?) and thousands of pedestrians, taxis, limos, Jags, Porsche etc...you get the picture!  There is- on street parking but it does not look really safe or really cost effective.  I figured I would be at the show at least until Midnight and could not feed the meter...anyway on and on I drove...south south almost to the keys...or so it felt.  In a quick glance saw a sign for parking with an arrow heading East..uuhh quite frankly at this juncture I did not know which way was which just that I needed to find parking and escape this craziness!  This driving experience is only second to having to back down Teton Pass in a shitty rear wheel drive Aerostar van with my good friend Wendy helping me back it up as we are staring a snowplow in the plow!  I digress....made a u-turn and went back the way I had been so many blocks before.  Almost to the Fillmore when I turn right and get on Collins (A1A) and head south again and begin my search for the secret parking zone...pause...
I have already written so much and do not even know if anyone cares or is still reading but just so you know if you are since I am alone and any discussion I have is purely with myself..musings if you will...you already knew that but perhaps my second self had shown up...nope...

I muse...there is no way they are going to waste prime beach front on a parking garage...I am proven wrong!  There it is the White P in a square of blue..
and what do i do...fly on by because all of the nonsense going on around me is a huge distraction...thank god i did not drink anymore Bombay.  The pedestrians seem to own the street here.  At least in New Orleans they shut down the streets and have a pedestrian Mall.  Not SB.  How could everyone show off their high ticket cars and women...which I will get to later.  I freakn park in some underground crazy house where if I block someone in I have to give the attendant my key...well...I made it work so i did not have to do that!  Locked up and grabbed the Bombay and limes and started my 12 block stroll to Chelsea!  Still early enough to get a decent spot in line but not early enough to eat...and as we all know booze on an emptyish tummy...(I doubt mine is ever really empty since I am not a fan of fasting because of my gma...etc digress blah blah blah ) ...empty enough for the Gin to hit and wow...now I am wondering what to do with the nalgene...should not have worried about it...they do not check for shit at the fillmore other than your ticket.  I was not keen to that info so I secretly stashed where
a) it could be jacked or worse
b) peed upon by some random penis.  (neither happened and it has been bathed in the dishwasher and is safe and sound and ready for a trip to Jupiter...I know...you were curious).

These are some Sexy shoes!  Ooohhhlala!!

Now for musings...why do women wear shoes with 4+ inch heels and they look like they are constantly falling forward...like chickens strutting...practice that shit at home or don't freakn wear them...you look like an idiot...you do not look sexy or alluring...unless maybe you are standing still..its like the cutie patootie you run into and then they open their mouth...and I would say 90% of the women were sporting this look and only maybe 40% were successful.


No I am not jealous...I was quite comfortable in my sensible sandals.  I am not Stacey or Clinton....but come on.  Word of advice if you are going strap that shit on...and there were some great shoes...practice so you do not look like  a little girl trying to play dress up! Maybe they should watch this link http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AnkxqXdPdSE&feature=fvw
My hat is off to Becky Thomas...one of the few women I know who walks on air in 4inch heels...you go Kitty Kat! Also there were quite a few nice pedicures and no I do not have a foot fetish.  Our feet are useful tools that really take us places especially if our brains are engaged and having enjoyed a few pedicures I can appreciate I nice looking foot.


At this point I want a slice of mushroom pizza...(wink wink nudge nudge), not the food either..I do not believe special shroom za has any real rda value.  I have done them a few times in crowded areas and ended up alone because for whatever reasons my fellow pizza munchers were pulled apart by the tides of people in Butte America...but at this point the conversations with myself would have improved with a slice of shroomy za or why was I not thinking and have a nibble if brownie...just the crumbs as Chantannell would say.

People watching in SB was amazing...and is amazing  A real Hot Mess!  I bet right now as I am writing this there is something going on.  Now another question or something I noted...why do men get to get away with wearing jeans and tshirts and the women are all dressed up like hookers?  I swear to you the vast majority of women I saw looked like the hookers from Pretty Woman http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2MqPcOPlgRw  or Night  Shift -http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1N6rzfoWHzg&feature=related.  Only with less fur and shorter skirts.  Again I am not jealous...yes, I would like to have a hot body that someone could paint clothes on but at the end of the day really are these outfits really all that?  Maybe in Amsterdam. When did women of the night and women on dates start looking the same...I could not tell one from the other.  What do hookers wear now if that is the status quo? I answered my own question-
 Do the women dress for the men or other women...I am so confused!  I know I have been in Montana but I thought I was fairly well traveled.  Why did I not see any men sporting this hot look???

Now this musing...the people that push their way to the front of the line that show up late...don't we just love them...especially to the bar...Mr. Baldy Brickshithouse 5'9 decides that it is acceptable practice to do this.  And then the asshole does not even tip!  Wish I could have a mini tazer for those moments in time...not enough to hurt them..or even better Turrets! Unbridled free speaking Turrets!  Nothing to laugh at but gawd I would have loved to have said something!

After this we take our seats and the show begins...and quite frankly it was just ok.  Chelsea had a little wee bit of Belvedere and Miami South Beach I am thinking...she was still funny and there were good moments.  I had already finished the book and did not want it to be a book reading and it sort of was.  Oh well that is why it is the Chelsea Chelsea Bang Bang tour.  And her white outfit on the cover almost mimics the Baroness Bomburst's from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang!http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wa66d2ctAH8

The Lesbians in front of me were a riot making out, laughing, standing up and asking to see Chelsea's tickets..OOC!  Another girl in front of me had on a tight flesh toned dress- it was not only awful she could not sit down without things hanging out...wow...maybe that is why it was flesh tone????  Planned and clever?!!

Well aside from one hour of traffic just to get out of the City...it was an interesting trip.  I made it home by 2:45am!   Reminded me a bit of St Pats and Butte America on  Godzillaroids!  All the random craziness.  I will return to South Beach by the light of day and let night time unfold slowly and see if it is any different.  I hope this was worth your time..it was worth it to get it out of me.